My siblings and I disagree
Almost every executor we've talked to has run into a sibling who is angry, withdrawn, or absent — sometimes all three. Most disputes come from grief and information gaps, not bad faith. Here's what tends to help.
Communicate the same things to everyone, in writing
The single most powerful thing an executor can do is to send a regular update — even a short one — to every beneficiary at the same time, with the same information.
It removes the suspicion that someone is being kept in the dark, and it removes the burden of repeating yourself to each person.
Don't move heirlooms before the inventory
Photograph items first. Don't distribute meaningful or valuable property — even items the will mentions — until the inventory is complete and you've checked with the attorney about the order of operations.
If you must move things (the home is being sold), document the destination of every item.
Use the will, not your judgment, for distributions
Specific bequests are honored as written. The residue is divided according to the will. If a sibling wants something the will didn't grant them, you can offer to buy or trade it from your own share — but the estate's distributions follow the document.
When mediation helps
If a dispute is genuinely stuck — usually about valuation or a contested gift — a single mediation session with a probate-experienced mediator is dramatically cheaper than litigation and surprisingly often resolves it.
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Related tasks
- Inventory the estate's assets and debtsYou're personally responsible for an accurate accounting. Most courts require a formal inventory; even when they don't, you need one to administer the estate.
- Distribute remaining assets to beneficiariesOnce debts, taxes, and expenses are paid, what remains goes to the people named in the will (or to heirs by law if there's no will).
- Clear out the home and distribute personal propertyGoing through a parent's home is the single most emotionally draining task most executors face. Pace yourself. Don't throw anything away in the first week.